Being slightly paranoid is like being slightly pregnant – it tends to get worse.
Molly Ivins

In my excitement and preparations for the upcoming birth of my 5th little comedian, I remembered (disdainfully) that this will soon bring back my very least favorite thing in the whole world!

Strangers touching my belly.

Yes, I did say STRANGERS.

Yes, I did say they TOUCH MY BELLY…

Now, I know there are a million posts out there with angry pregnant women yelling about or “teaching etiquette” on the no-no that is ‘touching pregnant women’s tummies’.

In light of that, I have decided to do something different.

Because the belly touching trend seems to be getting worse and not better, I guess all the ‘education’ isn’t sticking.

I figured I’d give you other belly buddies a few ideas of what to do when a stranger cops a feel.

I can guarantee that these work.

I have personally used (sometimes more than once) every single one of them.

…and they are quite effective!

Here we go.

When a 30 somethin’ woman, at the grocery check out, reaches out with both hands and a HUGE grin and begins to enthusiastically rub both hands all over your stomach “oooh! Ooh! So cute!”

…try reaching over with both your hands and rub them all over HER stomach in the same enthusiastic manner.

When she looks at you in confusion and asks “wha..? What are you doing??” reply (as apologetically as you can) “Oh! I’m sorry!…I… I thought it was fat people petting day….?”

When her eyes bug out and the clerk, and customers standing close enough to hear, begin laughing, keep your face straight, and pay for your groceries.

I have never had someone able to reply or require any further interaction after I’ve used this.

When a guy around your own age reaches over to lightly touch your belly, with a “cool, congrats!”

Grab his hand with 2 fingers (cause you know,…gross) and, with a demure and nervous chuckle, say: “Ooh, haha, I’ll let you keep those. *shrug* Baby bites.”

…and hand his hand back to him.

*Shrug*, chuckle again, and turn your back to the person to signal the end of your interest in their presence.

When ANYone reaches over and pets you.

In the instant their hand meets your body, an immediate:

“AAAAAAHH!”

“OUCH!”

…or even “NOOOO!!!”

Follow that with a wild and nervous “It’s Mine! Don’t touch it!!!” while you clutch your belly and breathe heavily.

It will will freak the person out.

It will scar them.

It will become the thing they try to tell their friends about, but will hopefully be met with: “Dude! Why did you try to touch her?”

Maybe it will make them think twice.

You, however, will get to laugh and laugh and laugh about it.

(Or blog about it. )

It won’t matter if their reaction is shock, disbelief, and sarcasm, or if they nervously turn and run away.

I have seen it all three ways, and it was freakin hilarious every time.

And last but not least, an idea for your more grumpy moods.

Now I think approaching a grouchy pregnant woman is akin to approaching a hungry bear, but somehow it still happens.

So when the daring idiot touches your tummy, give them the coldest and most dark look you can muster (you’re trying to give him ‘be afraid! chills) and calmly, clearly, say “The last person who touched me without my permission, spent the night in jail.”

Point to your belly, and go on: “This is my body. Please keep off of it, unless I ask you to climb on.”

…and then carry on with what you were doing, or walk away.

This one usually makes people roll their eyes or become really nervous and apologetic.

But they want to get away from you, either way, so the uncomfortable situation dissipates pretty quick.

What it comes down to is your mood.

You do not have to put up with strangers touching your body just because you’re an incubator.

Being pregnant doesn’t make you public property.

But if you’re in the mood to get a laugh out of an awkward and inappropriate situation then I personally recommend trying these.

I never miss that chance.

I dearly love to laugh!

The reactions are priceless and have become some of my more fond memories of being pregnant.

I’d love to hear any comical suggestions you have for a situation like this!

Always looking to perfect my craft…

– Cesilea

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